Figuring out how to support a loved one – without getting so caught up that we end up struggling ourselves – can feel like walking a tightrope
- The modern mind is a column where experts discuss mental health issues they are seeing in their work
In a world fraught with unpredictability we are all seeing an increase in reported mental illness. For those of us working on the mental health frontline, we are also noticing more people who may not have a mental illness but are feeling distressed and grappling with difficult life challenges. When the person who is distressed is a loved one, figuring out how to help them can be a struggle. It can also take a toll on our wellbeing.
For John*, contact with his daughter Averil* has been incredibly painful over most of this year. He sees and hears her struggle with anxiety and depression, which has come to a head in the last six months, and tells me how helpless he feels to say or do anything that might alleviate her distress. His experience of supporting Averil often feels like an emotional rollercoaster. There are ups, downs and arounds – followed by more ups, downs and arounds. Then, right in the whirl of this difficult ride, he is hit with a whack of strong and often contradictory emotions.
The hardest parts are the feelings of helplessness and despair. I feel despair that this adult seems childish and at 30 years old is unable to build herself a stable and fulfilling life. She burns out relationships and doesn’t stick at any jobs. And I feel helpless because I’ve learned that handing over money is a mistake; giving advice is pointless; and doing things for her will be misconstrued. But at other times I see flashes of the happy girl she was. I’m her father and it’s hard not to wonder, ‘Is this somehow my fault?’
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